reverie v. reality

restoring my sense of self

To be honest, I feel a little silly starting a blog.
I've never been very good at maintaining a diary or journal. Or at least not in the sense of delving deeply into my own thoughts. I do well enough with a daily journal - just listing things that happened. (I enjoy that, because I often forget the little memories of a certain day). I am not so great with a self-reflective style of diarizing.

Frankly, it's been a long time since I've felt I had anything all that interesting to say within my own mind, let alone in an online forum where my thoughts are out there for public consumption.

I think that's a good portion of my problem - & by problem, I mean feeling incredibly untethered in life. It's become second nature to tell myself that I'm not all that interesting or that I don't have anything much to share. This does, unfortunately, spill out into my everyday world and bleeds terrible, insecure ink-blots all over my every interaction.

As you can imagine, it's a mess and annoying and I hate it.

I sometimes feel very (hmm - how to say this) abstractedly thin? By which I mean, I feel a bit like tissue paper; there, but lacking strength or substance; like someone could put their hand right through me with very little effort. Not a great feeling, obviously.

The year is already nearly over. I had so many things I wanted to feel and be and do by now. I - honestly! - have been trying to feel and be and do these things. But I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

All this to say: I think this thing, this feeling that I am some insubstantial wisp of a person is a key component in what is holding me stagnant in my life right now. I feel substanceless, I therefore act substanceless - lose passion for my hobbies, talk to friends less, hide from new experiences.....fade away in my own life, perhaps? (No, that one's a little dramatic.)

Really and truly, I just want to feel like I have some spark within me fueling my life.

Is it silly to want to reclaim little pieces of myself through some good old-fashioned anonymous blogging?
Well, maybe.
But at this point, I don't really care! It's about time for a conversation with myself. I've been ignoring her in favor of external distractions.

I'd like to examine who I am now.

I was so self-assessing when I was younger; constantly pondering who I was and what I was made of. I'd like a little of that back. I want to feel like I'm made of something sturdy and real again.

(Imagine me, if you will, reaching out into the ether to drag that aspect of myself forward through time. It may be kicking and screaming a little. It's stubborn & wants to remain in the past.)

You can join me, if you like. We can find ourselves again together. Or maybe you already know who you are. In that case, I'm very proud of you & I would love some tips. I'd like to be proud of myself some day, too.

Until next time.

Good luck out there!

#personal #reveries #thesis