reverie v. reality

rain in the rooms of my heart

I had therapy this afternoon - which I was dreading and wanted more than anything to cancel - and plans with Pepper to grab dinner and a movie, which I am really glad I had set up in advance, because I ended up needing the mood boost to balance out all of the crying. I got into a huge fight with my mom Thursday night. Usually, we call each other in the morning after a fight, but today it was radio silence on both of our ends until late afternoon. I cried the whole drive to my therapy appointment (partly my bad, because I should have changed songs the moment I started crying along, but I was kind of hoping to get the worst of the crying out prior to therapy, so I wouldn't blubber my way through the entire session...I am not a coherent crier). It was a little bit about the fight and a little bit about how I feel like I'm just fucking up any and everything I get my hands on these days.

Anyway, apparently I'm, like, therapist-verified depressed, instead of what I thought was just think I've been feeling low and a bit lost-depressed. I had my suspicions, I guess. I definitely haven't felt like myself. I just...thought it was a low point? The sudden apathy towards things I'm usually really passionate about maybe should have tipped me off, but it's always harder to see it from up close, right? So I'm moving forward with trying medication. I've been on anxiety meds before, which means I have an idea of what I'm in for. I'm having...a lot of mixed emotions about it all, I guess. Nice to have someone tell me that some of the behaviors and emotions I've been tearing myself apart over are perfectly normal and very much branches spiraling out from the same source. I feel sad, still, though. And, ah, disappointed, perhaps? A bit relieved? Hard to untangle. I guess in some ways I thought I would pop back out of this feeling any day now. Just - whoosh - sunshine again. Gotta deal with the leaky roof a little longer.

Needless to say, after that big whomp of an afternoon, I was really, really happy to see Pepper. We usually hit this one restaurant next to the movie theatre when we go see a film. We're definitely creatures of habit and this place has good margaritas. Then we walk over to the shop next door to snag some cheap candy before strolling back over to the theatre. Confession: I really cannot resist the siren song of a Cherry Slushee, so I'm always suckered into getting one when we go through the line for popcorn. Pepper has a system where she asks them to fill it halfway, adds the butter, and then gets them to top it off with more popcorn. I was unaware that this was something people were particular about, but we ran into some other friends tonight who were heading to a different movie and I got a good laugh out of Pepper and one of the duo very seriously discussing this system. I made eye contact with the other popcorn-butter-ratio-neutral friend and we both shrugged. I just like to eat Sno-Caps with my popcorn. That's about where my interest checks out.

I thought the movie was entertaining, although there were at least two narrative decisions that I was kind of surprised by? It was a good time, though, with a lot of big audience reactions. I blasted one of my upbeat playlists on the way home. Got pulled into a kind of heavy discussion once I got in the door, but now I've escaped and am enjoying a moment of quietude. Algernon is sitting next to me, which is kind of out of character for him? He's usually sort of an explorer, so I find it funny he's being a bit of a snuggle bug tonight. Maybe he knows it was a weird day.

Good luck out there,
Eve

#diary #personal #ramblings #reveries