on being the precognitive type

11 Jun, 2024

Sometimes I do feel like I can see the future.

Yes, yes - I know that this is just a symptom of being a chronic overthinker & catastrophizer. I can dream up about two thousand worst-case-scenarios, so if something goes wrong, it's likely that at least one of them will come true. And yet, there are cases where I see the writing on the wall so clearly from the get-go & no one around me believes me, or they think I'm just being my usual overly-worried self. (ffs, I feel like Cassandra!¹)

Take for example a situation I was navigating in the latter half of 2023: A co-worker mentions that she has a family member she thinks I would get along with. This is pitched initially as a romantic² set-up, then slides sideways towards a potential friendship when I repeatedly demur at the topic (but I can still read the hope that I will be interested in this person's family member in their tone).

I grit my teeth and walk into the situation with my best "you always jump way ahead in your conclusions, so don't make this a bigger deal than it is" mindset. But I can tell pretty much from the get-go that this person is way more interested in me than I am in them & I think they fully believe I'm approaching every conversation from a "we're mutually interested in one another & therefore feeling things out" mindset, where as I was very, very firmly in the "I don't even know if I want to be friends with you yet, so I am definitely not romantically interested in the slightest right now" state of mind.

Everyone I talk to about it tells me that I'm making assumptions on what they're thinking. I think: okay, sure, perhaps. But previous experience has proven time and time again that there are certain patterns that mean I'm not just on the wrong page, but the wrong book with someone else. I have done this dance more than once, at this point! I think, I've just got to say something. I don't want a potential friendship to blow up down the line because I wasn't upfront. But my friends and family say I'm putting up walls too early and I'm going to hurt this person's feelings.

The wire inside of me that signifies my particular brand of inflexibility makes itself known, winding itself tighter and tighter with each new text that lights up my phone. I grow evermore tense and - regrettably - sharp.

I've never liked being set-up.

This next part is pretty embarrassing to confess, but here it is: the weeks go by and I become increasingly wretched to be around. I'm mean, short-tempered, and easy to upset. I'm slow to respond to this person and I feel like I'm pulling teeth when I do write back. I burst into tears sporadically. Any time they're in town & want to meet in person, I erupt in hives beforehand and have to cancel plans. When my coworker asks how it's going, my collarbones and neck break out immediately into a mortified flush and I hum and haw and commit unforgivable vagueries until she laughs (uncertainly) and gives up.

A friend tells me I am not acting like my "usual, sweet" self. (I fucking know!!!!) I feel like I'm leading this person on! And I think they're nice, so I feel so very guilty. At the same time, I'm being told I'll "really hurt them" if I tell them I'm just interested in being friends right now. I know that when it becomes apparent to them that I'm not interested (because I only respond to one out of every five texts and am clearly not even meeting them in the middle of a friendship level of communication for fear of it seeming like romantic intentions), Set-Up and my co-worker will be furious with me for stringing them along. I wonder if my co-worker will be directly furious or if she'll ice me out. I start to mentally prepare for how I'll escape my job.

At some point, I have a total meltdown about this situation and decide to go back to therapy³ and spill all of this in a sobbing heap across my therapist's (admittedly very comfortable) couch.

My therapist says, "Tell them you're not interested."

Oh. (I can do that?)

I do that.

They say they understand. That they're a little disappointed, but they get it. Their family member/my co-worker is a bit tense with me for a few weeks, as I was worried might happen. I, now free of the crushing weight of my guilt, actually feel like I can text them without running myself into the ground in worry. They go a bit distant (I think understandably), but ultimately continue to text back.

We're, like, friends now. Things with my coworker return to normal.

But I was right. Maybe not perfectly spot on...but I truly believe if my therapist hadn't given me the go-ahead to say what I needed to say, all of my worst case scenarios would have come crashing down on me just like I imagined them.

Urghhhh, I don't remember where I was going with this. Maybe: Is it really pre-cognition or some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy? Is it my people-pleasing tendencies? Is it my avoidance? Am I actually fucking capable of seeing the path something might take or am I just so deeply anxious that I'm getting out the cart for the problem, even before the horse has left the barn?

I mean, I told everyone I knew how I felt and what I wanted from the get-go and then still went along with what they wanted, despite it taking a direct and drastic affect on my mental health.

Why does someone showing the slightest level of interest in me create a reaction not unlike someone playing Battleship with my fleet of neuroses? I mean, I have my suspicions vis a vis my enduring neutrality around romantic relationships, but that might be a post for a different day.⁴

I can feel that this is just building into a rant, actually. Sorry? Not sorry? It's my blog, I can rant if I want to? Still...seems unfair, when you have to read it. Hopefully my restless ravings are at least somewhat palatable, reader-wise. (Me, to me: Am I a joke to you?)⁵

I think I might have really terrible issues with self-doubt. Self-trust? Either one, I guess. Even when I can see the path I'm on will lead me to nothing but discomfort, I'll stay on it long after I should just because I can't tell when to take my own agonizing seriously. It doesn't help that I agonize over things that are so unserious. How can I trust when it is???

In a way, I can see the pieces of me that make up my messy, tangled-up issues all sitting together, holding hands, and singing a little song campfire-style. The inflexibility, the fear of unknown rules, the doubt, and the tissue-paper-ness. They all put me on high-alert for certain scenarios.

I can't say it hasn't been a useful tool, at times. There are definitely situations where my desire to look at a potential outcome from every angle has served me well. Sometimes, it can even soften the blow of a bad outcome, especially if the reality is a little less drastic than what I anticipated.

But I don't love when it takes over my life - when it makes me a different version of myself, you know? I don't think of myself as mean or sharp or short-tempered, but I become all of these things as the weight of a dozen possibilities press down on me. I've learned to dig myself out of the feeling for some scenarios, but others are like a rockslide that I can't claw my way out from under.

And I know I've spent a few posts talking about the friendship I ended earlier this year, but you'll have to bear with me here, because most of my long-standing friendships are deep enough that the end of them feels like a really fucking terrible breakup. As much as I stick by my decision to say my piece, I keep mulling over everything. I mean, I knew pretty much to a T how that conversation was going to go. I know now that it's a large part of why I put it off for so long.

Is it possible that things could have been different if I'd spoken up earlier? Sure, maybe. But also, likely not. There was a reason all of my anxiety senses went haywire whenever I thought about it. I think I knew it would be the beginning of the end, no matter how I went about it. (Urgh - & I begin to doubt myself again. Hey, if you're also never sure if you're making the right decisions, we should start a club or something. I could use the company.)

Now I'm here, in the aftermath of two big Scenarios, right? But neither one really feels put to rest to me.

Set-Up is moving to my town in the next few months & while I think it will be nice, because we do have a lot in common and I'm sure it will be good for them to have a friend in the area, I worry I'll go immediately wary and defensive over little things. People often think I'm flirting when I'm completely unaware of that interpretation, which makes me even more nervous and high-alert about how I act and move and speak.

And my old friendship still lives nearby and is in the loop with other people I know. I'm not sure how an interaction would go if we ran into one another. I can think of a few possible options, but all of them are so incredibly different that I don't know which one to brace for, since our last conversation ended on an unhappy but relatively "mild" close, overall.

I guess I feel like I'm afraid of making myself miserable over "what ifs". It's not that any of these things are pressing on me right now, but I hadn't anticipated just how quickly I would turn into a tightly-wound mess back in October. It freaks me out a bit.

....And now I'm worrying about the possibility of a possibility.

Okay, no.

Isn't this why you went to therapy, Eve? you might ask. Yes. Yes, actually. So, alright - what do I do here? Talk myself down from the worry, I guess. Here goes nothing.

Set-Up moves to town. I've already stated where I stand. That's one thing down. Maybe there's further miscommunication & we're on the wrong page again. Worse comes to worst, I have to reinstate my position. I've already done it once. I can do it again.

I see my old friend. Worst case: it's an uncomfortable, possibly confrontational interaction. (Well, I'll hate every second of it, but I can handle it.) Best case: it's an awkward but overall friendly conversation. Most-Likely case: we sort of barely acknowledge each other and then go about our day. All things that can be dealt with.

Saying that again, for my own sake: all things that can be dealt with.

Huh. Actually, writing all of this out made me feel way better. I think a lot of my fear of bad outcomes is a latent belief that I won't be able to handle them. But I can (right?). I totally can.

I have to start telling myself it's true.

Good luck out there,
Eve

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#bugbears #on being #personal #ramblings #reveries