i know you / i missed you / it's nice to meet you

30 Jul, 2024

I have two brothers, both of whom are between a half-decade to a decade younger than me. We got along alright when we were little. Although, between my somewhat insular nature as a kid ¹ and the gap between our interests, I wasn't as close with them as they were with each other during our adolescence.

It took a long time - pretty much all of my undergraduate and well into my grad school years - for me to feel like I finally knew and understood them. In part, this was just because of how our age stratification played out with school stuff. My middle brother didn't graduate high school until I was finishing up with my undergrad and my youngest brother only moved on to college after I was already done with my Master's program. (That is SO weird to see written down. The passage of time. What the fuck.)

We never co-existed in school spaces; only at home, and we were often in our own little world, because I was utterly disinterested in Roblox and Minecraft, and they could not have cared less about whatever ridiculous TV show or romantical 2010s novel I was engrossed in at the moment. (So fair of them.) We didn't have much overlap in friends, either, and when we did, it was just via our friends' siblings being at similarly stratified ages, but we never hung out in a larger group or anything.

It's not that I don't have fond memories of us being close when we were younger (I have tons, actually: like, we used to take turns trying to beat levels in Scooby Doo: Night of 100 Frights, but we all really sucked at it so mainly it was just a lot of commisseration over how bad we were or overzealous cheering when one of us actually managed to clear a section), but when I think of myself at ten or fifteen or twenty, there's so much difference in who I was, what I felt, and what I wanted from life. The pieces of my brothers I knew when I left for college were wildly changed when I returned, and I was changed, too. In a lot of ways, we were totally new people when I finally moved back to the same state. It was a weird realization: that we were reconnecting, even though we'd seen each other at every major holiday throughout the years.

Like: Hi, you've known me your whole life, and I've known you so long it might as well be my whole life. Who are you, again? What's your favorite movie now? Are you still convinced you hate mangoes? When did the family dog start loving you more than me? You had my same English Lit teacher; did you like the books she had us read? Have you grown out of your grass allergy? Tell me what music you're listening to. Where are you trying to go next?

Maybe this says more about me than anything else. I can't say I wasn't pretty in my own head throughout undergrad and grad school. Luckily, by the time I had to move home to save money, we were all in a much better space life-wise for bonding and I'M SO GRATEFUL - I will shout it to the hills - because my siblings and I locked in on being buddies once I returned. As torn as I was about the decision to move, I'm glad I made the choice to come back home, if only for the fact that it's allowed us all to grow closer. If I was still far away, I'm not sure how much more time would have passed before we reached this point. And I really love all of the moments that we have now that I've had a chance to get to know my brothers as the people they've grown into.

I see more of my youngest brother - let's call him Trout² - since he and his girlfriend swing by to visit me pretty frequently. Our middle brother (Badger) moved away for work near the end of last year, so I don't get to see him in person often, but we hear from him pretty frequently over calls and texts (when they're not busy being Really Cool Trendsetters in the small town they absconded to). He and his fiancée - Shrimp - sometimes lay low for several weeks at a time, depending on their schedules (Shrimp is starting an artists' coaliation and Badger is making crazy code at his job), but when Badger finally hops back on a long-distance family-game-night after a long hiatus, the rest of us cheer uproariously.

Trout and I have grown to be fast friends over the last few years. This is sometimes to his detriment, since it means he often has to cope with my following him around incessantly at family gatherings³ so that we can at least bounce the conversation back and forth to one another instead of succumbing to the full force of an Aunt or Uncle's what's going on in your life questioning.

It's also really nice, because I get along really well with Trout's girlfriend, Fawn. She's a regular staple in family game nights and as the only two Sims players who have been abruptly displaced into completely different gaming systems, we often end up running around together during video game nights (we're brave, but we prefer to go in a pair during the horror games, since the boys will just fucking disappear around a corner - Fawn and I have each other's backs, haha). Honestly, Fawn probably texts me more than Trout and Badger combined, which truly makes me laugh. It makes me really happy to feel like my siblings' significant others feel welcome around me, because - quite frankly - my immediate and extended family are a lot of big personalities and opinions and are therefore a very intimidating group to walk into.

Also, while I'm sort of guiltily grateful not to have a sister (some strange underlying fear that, if I had a sister, everyone would compare us constantly, I think?), I feel like I get a shadow of sisterliness from Shrimp & Fawn, while also getting cool friends who are welcome additions to the family dynamic. I mean, of course I'd rather get along with prospective family members than not, but it's nice to actually really get along instead of the perfunctory we tolerate one another deal that I've seen from other people.

I just really love them all, I guess.

It means a lot to me when I get glimpses that I'm not just accidentally third-wheeling (fifth-wheeling???) whenever we all get together. Like, for example, after a group lunch⁴ on vacation when everyone started to break off to go do whatever they wanted: I try not to insinuate myself into anyone else's little pockets of alone-time, so I wandered off on my own, expecting all of us to meet up later. It was no small amount of surprised delight that filled me upon hearing my name called out as I turned to see Trout and Fawn come careening around the corner of the building, trying to catch up with me. It's wonderful, to feel like people enjoy your presence; that they might even seek it out.

I'm just grateful for the relationship I've been able to cultivate with my brothers now that we're all older and can meet each other as the people we've grown into; and while, obviously, we all still have growing to do, I feel like we've already forged a steady base for our friendship and understanding of one another to build upon.

(Also, slightly tangential to my rant about how much I love my little brothers - but my siblings also have several friends who we've known for years who I absolutely consider family, too. They've come along on trips and seen the nitty-gritty of embarassing family fights and heard us all ramble on long car rides. One of them keeps asking me to come to this dance social night. Like, not even trying to get Trout to go, too. He just told me he thought I would like it. I cannot express how touched I was that he very insistently made sure I'd noted it in my Google Calendar. I think he found out that this guy that asked me out once several years back attends and is trying to engineer a meet-cute (is it a meet-cute if you've already met???) but it's so meddling-little-sibling-vibes that I can't even be annoyed about it. It just makes me laugh.)

Ah, I just love my siblings and all of their nuances. I can't wait to see who they become as they move through their twenties.

Good luck out there,
Eve

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#honeybears #personal #reveries