reverie v. reality


Off on an adventure today & while I'm incredibly nervous (unfortunately, just my default setting), I am also feeling a kind of excitement that is lighting me up from the inside out. Finally, a spark in my little joyful twigs & everything is catching fire again! It genuinely feels like the clouds have parted and I can see the sun. On the tail end of the winter, I always feel myself perk back up again in a way that is so infinitely frustrating because I try to circumnavigate the Winter Mood Dip and always end up falling directly into it anyway. But spring is fast-approaching and I already feel so much more like myself again. Still, I suppose there are cycles to things, maybe I just needed to hibernate for a few months.1 Maybe now I can creep back out of the gloaming feeling and feel the light shine upon me once again.

I'm sitting in the airport right now, as I write this. It was terrible and rainy a few days ago, but yesterday and today have been beautiful and it feels like a good omen.

I'll be reconnecting with some friends who I haven't seen (or really talked to extensively) in over a decade. I'm so definitely terrified that things won't feel like I hope they will when I arrive, but I'm trying very hard to remind myself that 1) I shouldn't set expectations too high in the first place & 2) it's likely things will be totally fine & everything will go wonderfully. I have a bad habit of catastrophizing before I ever even reach the starting line. I really am excited to see everyone and I think (based on the text conversations I've had leading up to this) that everything will be peachy.

This will likely be a very go-go-go trip, but I think there will be a day or two where I can slip in some quieter moments to go wander. It's been a long time since I've been in the city, so I'm curious to see how well my memory matches up. I've brought a physical journal along, hoping to coax myself into recording a few memories or maybe slapping receipts/spare slips of paper in for keepsake. A friend of mine has been doing that and the photos she sends me are so lovely.2 I also packed quick snap cameras so I can take photos as I go! I brought along two, because my plan is to get my friends to take some on one of them and I'll keep the other for anything I really want to capture.

Did I overpack? Definitely. Probably. But, it never hurts to be prepared. I made about three hundred checklists over the last month, trying to get ready for this. I'm a terrible combination of organized and a total mess, so I always make a ton of lists, but unless I put them in a specific spot (iPhone Notes, I love you), they're immediately thrown out the window of my memory. I think in this case that it all paid off (knocking provebially on wood).

I board soon, so I've got to wrap this up, but - well, I don't know, I just wanted to record a good moment. I've been feeling harried and worn-thin and a little not-like-myself. I feel good today. I feel hopeful and excited. I think it's good to have things to look forward to, and it's even better when they arrive.

I hope you have something you're looking forward to, as well.

Good luck out there,

• • • • • • • •

  1. Still, it bothers me that it's like I lose two months to the darkness. If there are things I'm working on around November and December, they completely fall to pieces. How to fix this? I just don't know. A question for another time, I suppose.

  2. Like, so lovely...not sure I'll be able to capture my memories as well. (Note to self: some entries may turn out lovely, some may just be fine, and some may be kind of ugly. This is OKAY. We are RECORDING MEMORIES. Give yourself some slack, Eve, and chill out a little, pleaseeeee.)

#diary #personal #ramblings #reveries