reverie v. reality

keepsakes & considerations

My space is finally in some semblance of order once more. I may have ended up calling in backup, but I'm not going to give myself too much grief about that. Sometimes it's needed!

And, wow, I hate to say it, but it's wild how much better I immediately feel once everything isn't in complete disarray. Just, like - I can suddenly think and breathe easier. When my home is out of sorts, I feel it reflected within - like every out-of-place item is duplicated and magnified mentally, cluttering up my mindscape.

Anyway, I ended up deciding to tackle an area that I've generally overlooked on other cleaning sprees (I try to pick my battles, which means I often end up focusing on my most-frequented and most-utilized areas) and I was excited to discover a box that I had thought was stashed elsewhere. When I moved, there were some things that I left packed, as I originally wasn't planning on being where I am as long as I have laid plans and all that jazz. I'd placed it out of the way with a few other boxes but I was very excited to see this one in particular - my keepsakes!

I hold on tightly to my favorite letters, birthday cards, and other mementos. Something about knowing someone thought of me and took the time to pick out the card and craft a message honestly makes me teary eyed. I wasted1 a good thirty minutes just flipping through my letter hoard. What a marvelous gift, to have so many pieces that I can call well-loved mementos.

It also made me realize that....well, many of them are from several years back & I have almost no new additions. I think it's partly that all of us are older and busier - not travelling as often, consumed with the everyday slog - and that pattern of reaching out has fallen by the wayside...but upon reflection, I also feel like I've withdrawn from some of my long-distance (and even some nearby) friends in the past few years.

I used to be wonderful about reaching out to people a few times a year, just to catch up and let them know they were in my thoughts. I've struggled with bridging the gap recently, out of fear that the connection will be unwanted or burdensome, but that fear never stopped me in the past and I've only rarely discovered that the fear had any real foundations.2

I wonder if my friends feel the same way, and I wonder if they think I don't feel the same deep-seated affection and fondness for them anymore. The thought makes me feel a little sick to my stomach, because in my mind, I know that I will always leave a light on. I forget that other people can't see that shining out of my heart like a lighthouse beacon.

I think I need to begin reaching out again. It's true - some people may not want to reconnect, but I've been neglecting people I love very much out of fear for too long. Fuck, why have I been doing that?3 I used to believe that telling people loudly and earnestly that you cared about them was one of the joyful necessities of life. I want to be full to the brim with love and hope again, as sentimental and starry-eyed as that sounds.

The worst that happens is that I get no response, right? And with the way I'm currently going, the line is quiet either way. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," as they say.

Good luck out there,

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  1. Well, it wasn't truly wasted in my heart, but I definitely wasn't cleaning!

  2. Unfortunately, my faded friend was once such incident. Who knows, though - maybe this friend thought I was fading first. Things are never quite as simple as I'd like them to be.

  3. I mean, I know why - but I'm tired of being a coward. I'm trying to be brave now & something as simple as reaching back out to reinstill a deeper bond with (not even lost, just...misplaced?) friends isn't even really a great feat of courage, so I'm done with my own excuses.

#personal #reveries