(you’ve unlocked hidden dialogue!)
Another trip at an end. Despite having a moment of panic mid-week where I was like, I should have shortened this trip, I'm straight up ruining everyone's schedule, everything went really well & I'm so, so happy with the entire experience. My friends' (let's call them Riley and Taylor) baby was SO cute and hilarious (as babies almost always are) & I have a soft spot for kids a mile wide, so I was really pleased when he started grinning at me outright instead of giving me suspicious little side-eye looks of Mom, why is she still here? everytime I showed up in the same room.
While some plans fell through, new ones happened pretty spontaneously and I think it all balanced out well. Riley is really organized & a great planner, so I think she had some stuff on the back burner for if I choked and totally failed to come up with things I wanted to do and/or see while I was in town. I'm kind of glad we didn't have anything set in concrete because Taylor's work schedule is very sporadic and it was good for Riley and I to be able to make quick changes to plans based on the baby.
One of our other friends - Maia - (who Riley knows from childhood and who I know through Riley) joined us for a bunch of outings, which I was really excited about. I didn't think she would be able to join as often as she did & it was a pleasant surprise each time! She & Riley have a rapport that I find frankly comforting to observe. It's very obvious that they've been friends for forever; there are no airs put on, no silence is awkward, no spindling thread of conversation is stilted. I could go silent at moments, listen, & let myself be buoyed on the wave of their well-worn camaraderie.
Also, Riley & Taylor are two of my only friends who own and regularly play board games, so I was making use of that fact every possible evening. Calm two hours while the baby naps? Hey, guys, what about a board game? I got to try maybe four or five new games. A blessing and a curse, because while the introduction was welcome, I can rarely wrangle any of my friends at home to play. I'm going to have to strong-arm some people into going to the local board game cafe soon, so I can get my fix.
• • • •
A moment within the trip that I was not expecting at all: I sort of stumbled down the conversation path of telling Riley & Taylor that I'm asexual.1
I went to bed that night and just lay there laughing as quietly as I could for about twenty minutes, because not only did I start the conversation on a completely separate note and had not expected it to veer that direction, but it went really well and they were both really kind & supportive in a way I've only really heard from other ace friends. I'm tearing up a little right now, thinking about it.
In a funny way, I felt a bit like they accidentally unlocked a "hidden dialogue" path, because usually I'm pretty good at skirting around questions and topics of conversation surrounding my dating life, but they were asking about if I'd gone on any dates recently & I said, truthfully but leaving a lot of stuff out, no, not really, the last few I went on weren't great, so I'm just kind of not worrying about it right now.
Taylor, who is a pretty straightforward person, asked, "Well, do you like dating?"
In all the years of friends asking me about my dating life, I’m not sure I can say that anyone has ever asked me that question. I guess it was enough to shock me into admitting outright, "No, I pretty much hate it. People always want me to know after a few dates if I'm interested in them and I just can't tell that quickly."
[the ensuing conversation, with a lot of paraphrasing]
Taylor [with honest curiosity]: You can't tell if you're interested in someone immediately?
Me: Not really. Sometimes I think people are good looking right out of the gate, but I can't tell if I like someone until I've know them for a while. I think I've had maybe four crushes since high school and all of them have been people I've know for maybe a year or more.
Taylor: Oh, okay, so you don't think 'they're attractive, I want to get to know them better'?
Me: Um, yeah, not really. I want to get to know if I like people in general, first. And the people I've gone on dates with seem to think we're both immediately like, I like you romantically and you like me romantically! and I'm still stuck way back in what feels like an earlier chapter of the platonic to romantic book or something.
Taylor: Oh, okay! I think some people would say that their romantic, sexual, & friendship interest grow alongside one another.
Me [trying to be brave & not dance around the point as usual]: Yeah, I've heard that from some other people. I don't think my levels of interest increase on the same scale - they kind of jump at different intervals. To be honest, I consider myself, like, asexual and maybe some level of aromantic - I like people, but it takes a long time, so it's hard for me to go on random dates because people typically want an answer about how into them I am way earlier than I can comfortably say.
[Taylor & Riley take a moment where they're clearly re-analyzing previous conversations they've had with me about my dating life - I have a little laugh about it internally.]
Me [to Riley]: Sorry I never said something earlier. It’s not that I didn’t want to tell you, it’s just that I don't really know how to bring it up, sometimes.
Riley: I mean, I guess I'm not totally surprised? I remember all the times you'd come back from a date while we were roommates. I definitely thought, at one point or another: Wow, she really does not enjoy going on dates.
Me: Yeah.....so, um. That's why I'm kind of weird about people trying to set me up with their friends. Because they might be really nice, but it's hard to gauge how my interest and attraction might go. And I've discovered— through a lot of trial and error and hurt feelings - that I'm typically not operating on the same playing field as other people, to really mangle the metaphor.
Taylor [earnestly]: You know we love you and support you, right?
Me [beyond flustered by the turn this conversation has taken and a little overwhelmed by this direct admission]: Oh, yes - um, thank you, I mean - I know, yeah.
Taylor [trying to lighten the mood, since it’s obvious I’m emotional]: I’m an Ace Ally!
Me [laughing]: Oh, that’s great - that’s really great, maybe we can get you a t-shirt.
[end scene]
At this point, the conversation meandered around that for a bit until we ended up wandering off to other topics.
I don’t know. I’ve only spoken to a few friends about all of this; the majority of which (read: two) are also ace-spectrum, so I was really taken aback in a good way by the flow of the conversation.
Not that I necessarily thought they would be rude or cruel about it, but a few of the family members I’ve talked to have definitely had some difficulty wrapping their heads around all of it. Which is fine, to me. I don’t need everyone in my life to understand me perfectly, as long as they love me for who I am. Would that we could all be Known & Understood clearly, but on the whole, the reality of all of us being separate people with unique experiences & understandings of the world is something I enjoy about life, so I think it’s a fair trade off.
Anyway, I had a really great trip. I feel very grateful to have so many wonderful people in my life. Oh, man, I’m misty-eyed again. I just really love my friends. So many of my friendships formed years back have dispersed to different cities and states and countries. I feel immensely lucky when distance and the business of all of our lives doesn’t dull the connections we forged. I really hope that my friends enjoyed having me muddling about in their house for the week. I got to cuddle their cute dogs, play many spirited games of peek-a-boo with the baby, and loaf on the sofa with Riley just like old times.
I can’t lie, though - I am more than ready to collapse in my own bed and I’m itching for the opportunity to smother Willow & Algernon with kisses they’ll pretend to hate but come poking after once I’m tucked in bed and dead tired (the joy of cats, am I right?).
God, I also got the cutest postcards while I was in town, as well as the funniest baseball cap I’ve ever seen. I’ve been provisionally prohibited from bringing my younger brother anymore cool caps or t-shirts as gifts since he’s sort of overrun with them (that is my bad…I just really love to bring back gifts) but I shot off a quick text as soon as I saw it, because it had me howling with laughter. Needless to say, the hat ban was temporarily lifted because the cap was much too good to pass up.
I have zero plans the rest of this weekend and I’m so ready for a Sunday full of Doing Absolutely Nothing. (Here you can envision me discreetly kicking my unpacked bag behind me. We’ll deal with that later. That’s weekday!Eve’s problem.)
Good luck out there,
Eve
• • • • • • • •
& biromantic slash maybe demiromantic, to be more accurate??? I'm still working this part out, so I usually just say bi, I guess.↩