reverie v. reality

everything, all the time

Hello, hello!

It’s been about a month since my last post! To be honest, I had time last week to write, but I still felt the burnout from the holidays, so I decided to let myself meander into the new year quietly and just enjoy some slack-off time (mainly spent trying to sew and playing The Sims 4, which my friend has gotten me hooked on once again).

I've been afraid of coming back to the blog, as well. The holidays were...hard. Good in a lot of ways, but there were some awful and unexpected turns within it that really drained me, I suppose.

I'd like to say it about broke even, though. Despite the more difficult parts, I really enjoyed pieces of December. I've been trying to process the worst bits of it, but some of what occurred isn't so much my business to tell and even trying to write around those parts makes me feel like I am overstepping into someone else's business. I guess long story short: some family friends had a very hard holiday and, being so close with one of them, I was deeply preoccupied with that, on top of trying to navigate the typical overwhelming mess of family and friends and events that the final stretch of the year brings.

So...yeah, I've been knee deep in relearning how to mod my Sims 4 game this past week.1 A slow start to the year, but I also went to a few sewing courses. I've attempted to sew several times on my own (with varying, but overall rough results) but a friend was attending a course and asked me to come with, so I did! The biggest thing I took away from the lesson was how to add to a pattern if it’s too small (which is very useful)! Otherwise, I'm not sure I learned much more than what I had already figured out just trying patterns by myself, except maybe a necessary reminder in the form of the teacher reiterating to me multiple times, "It doesn't need to be perfect." I guess she picked up on my nerves while I was trying to cut out my pattern. (I may or may not have been unconsciously grumbling to myself.)

I think, even with how tired and stressed I was in December, I'm ultimately happy with how the year ended. I mean, I started the month meeting a friend (waves), reconnected with an old friend, smoothed out a miscommunication with a potential friend, rung in the New Year with my closest friends, and planned several upcoming events with people for the next few months.

Am I a little overwhelmed with the schedule I'll be keeping throughout January and February? Hahaaha, um, yes - definitely. But I think all of the things I have planned will ultimately pan out to be good for me. I won't lie and say that I feel amazing right now. I think maybe I've been in an Emotional Well during the last two months2 - just sitting at the bottom and staring up at the sky, trying to remember how to climb out or how to find the energy to try. There are stretches of time when it’s all I can do just to drift from one day to the next.

I think having things to look forward to is helping, though. I have a few weddings this year for good friends and the thought of those events is starting to stack up little twigs of joy inside of me. All I need is a good spark to light everything up again. I'm looking out for one.

• • • •

I've been trying to catch up on all of the wonderful posts I've missed. It's so invigorating to see how lovely this community is! I about cried at this post by meadow.

Sometimes I do forget that I'm writing for myself. I start to worry and agonize about if my ramblings are worth posting, but who really determines the worth? Some of my favorite posts I've written are some of my least "toasted" and some of the ones I threw into the void on a whim are ones that people have reached out to chat with me about. It's nice, really. Keeps me on my toes - reminds me to post things, even if I'm worried they're "not good enough" for public consumption.

We're all just processing and thinking aloud and wholeheartedly sharing little pieces of ourselves. I'm very grateful for those glimpses into the fascinating lives of my fellow bloggers - the thoughts and feelings, hopes and fears. It makes me feel less alone, in a way, when it feels like it's just me and the unwavering longing for something more. I hope that I can return the favor, however that may be.

• • • •

With January and February gearing up to be busy months, I think my current goal for the blog is just to post about once a week. I'm wanting low pressure right now. There's too many other things taking up space in my head for me to be able to promise myself to a more frequent goal, but I'm hoping that I'll build back momentum eventually! I haven't written a poem in a few weeks. Might be a good place to start? (Now I'm just holding you here while I waffle on post possibilities.)

• • • •

I read this poem for the first time a few weeks ago. I keep thinking about it, especially the section I have added beneath.

The Endlessness by Ada Limón

How was I supposed to feel then? About
moving in the world? How could I touch anything
or anyone without the weight of all of time shifting
through us? I was not, or I did not think I was, making
up stories; it was how the world was, or rather it is how
the world is. I’ve only now become better at pretending
that there are edges, boundaries, that if I touch
something it cannot always touch me back.

I both love and hate when a poem touches upon something very tender in my heart.

I'm hoping for new adventures this year. I'm hoping to grow and learn. I still feel paper-thin sometimes.

If I fill my life with things that fascinate and delight me, will I feel whole again?

• • • •

I've missed this, just letting the words scramble out of me in a torrent and hoping they find some semblance of a structure. I was dreading it so much, but now that it's done, I feel so much better.

Maybe one of my goals for the year will be to wheedle some of my friends into starting blogs....

Good luck out there,

• • • • • • • •

  1. I've also been playing a lot of Lethal Company with my siblings, which one of them helped me set up while he was in town. (I'm not terrible with tech, but my siblings are waaaaay better than I am and have built their own computers more than once. My build is actually just a hand-me-over from one of them, because they wanted me to play games with them. So sweet!) I'm a scaredy cat to the core, but we laugh so much while playing it that it doesn't really feel as scary as it could.

  2. Frequently, I realize this in retrospect.

#personal #ramblings #reveries