reverie v. reality

back at it

This past week was overwhelmingly busy, long, weird, and anxiety-inducing.

I've tried to write a dozen times, but everything comes out disjointed and incomprehensible, so I've been sitting here atop of a mess of little shards of meaning, trying to piece them together.

And to top it all off, this weekend finished out with the miserable cherry garnish of a friend exiting from the group in a terrible, destructive way that fully rocked the foundation of my tight-knit, beloved circle. To say that I have spent the last few days shocked and confused is an understatement.

Still, despite this, I feel weirdly....fine.

I'm not sure how else to explain it other than: sometimes when things go so wretchedly awry, I almost get this sense of perfect serenity - like all of my anxiety uncoils for a moment.

Yes, I was waiting for Something Bad, and now it's here and it's happened but the world is still spinning, so I can go on. I get a moment of peace. Something bad happened, but look - I'm okay.

It's a weird feeling to be experiencing, especially when I know that, right alongside it, I'm also a nauseating combination of uncomprehending, furious, and devastated - and even more so when I'm highly aware that some of my friends are going through a completely different set and order of emotions.

But in the eye of the storm, I find a sense of clarity. This shake-up comes at the tail-end of a personal downward slide, and so I feel a little bit like it's the final domino, fallen at last, and now I can start setting back up again. My room is a wreck, I've stalled on all of my projects, I'm so behind on responding to texts and e-mails, and I'm constantly forgetting my daily journal (which is something I was proud of keeping up with consistently since May).

Today I'll go home and sit down and rework my habit list - think about what I want to move towards now. I'm used to climbing back out of this hole, I just have to get the nerve to do so. I think this weekend shocked the nerve back into me.

So...back to it, I guess. Hoping I can hammer some this week's messy, half-flung thoughts into something coherent over the next few days.

Good luck out there,

#bugbears #personal #reveries