alone on the dance floor

19 Apr, 2024

I'm flying out of state for a wedding this weekend.¹ I absolutely adore the bride-to-be and think of her often, but I don't actually get to see her much. I was flattered and thrilled to get an invite (and lucky enough to be able to make the trip happen). It's one of the best possible excuses to go see a friend, in my opinion.

Unfortunately, since it's her wedding and brides tend to be very busy, I know I'll only see her in passing moments. It will be nice to celebrate with her, even tangentially. I realize that I was incredibly spoiled to have so much time with the brides at the last wedding I attended.² Hopefully I'll get to talk to her a little bit at the more casual event tomorrow night! I'll also get to see another friend & her husband. A little reunion, since it's been a very long time since we've met up. I'm glad to have a least one pair of familiar faces among the others guests.

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I've made it to the airport now. Just waiting on my flight. I picked a late one, since red eyes are a little bit less expensive & I didn't want to take work off today. This way I'll get the most of Friday, instead of spending it in the limbo of airports and ride services. I've never been to this city - I haven't even been to the state I'm visiting. The weather is supposed to be cold and windy, with a bit of rain on Saturday during the wedding.

I'm hoping to wake up early tomorrow and go explore the town. I always dream of being an archivist of all of my memorable experiences, but I'm not so great at putting that into practice. Maybe, since it'll just be me calling the shots this trip, I'll try to set aside time to write up a memento for myself, much like the very cool recaps that misu puts together on his blog. I've been scouting out some areas of town I want to wander through & it would be fun to have a log to look back on.

I feel a complicated mix of emotions about having most of Friday and Saturday morning to myself: joyful anticipation in being able to plan and set my own schedule, to decide what shops or meals or detours I want to explore, to wander aimlessly...but also a hint of melancholy. Even when I've travelled alone recently, it's usually to meet people. I want the solitude and freedom, but I'm conscious of the empty space that's usually filled by sharing an experience with people I care about.

Maybe this is a nebulous worry leaking over about other things. Anxieties about belonging, maybe. Nothing to bring that out of you like being thrown into a large group where the people you know are center stage, and you might not even register to them day-of. And, really, I do get that people getting married are on what is essentially a multi-day meet & greet, so I don't resent that in the slightest. I just think that feeling is perhaps ricocheting off of some other emotions that have been laying dormant recently and would very much like to make themselves known.

I have this vague and unrealistic fear of being there, but not there at all. I envision it in the stage set-up of a bad dream: of blazing onto the post-dinner dance floor as the music and lights go up, only to find myself out there alone, even in a crowd of other people. It's not so bad, the loneliness; I can make the most out of it, change it into solitude - but I still prefer dancing with my friends.

Good luck out there,
Eve

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#personal #ramblings #reveries